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How To Support A Friend Experiencing Domestic Violence

Domestic Violence Awareness month spurred cities across the country to get the word out about the topic. It’s one that many people are uncomfortable talking about even though when polled, 50% respond that they know someone who they suspect is in an abusive relationship. In fact, domestic violence is so common that 1 in 4 women will experience it during her lifetime.

As you’ve read in our other articles, domestic violence happens in all financial brackets, education levels, races and religions. It’s inaccurate to think that in your gated, groomed and wealthy community it isn’t going on. Shockingly in this day and age, even in a metropolitan city full of well-educated individuals, domestic violence in New York City is the main cause of female murders. In 2011, 54% of all murders of women were related to this type of abuse while in 2012 the numbers actually increased to 68%. The state of Texas has also released new numbers that reveal an increase in fatalities due to domestic violence. In 2011, 102 women were killed while in 2012 the number went up to 114 in that state.

Many people are afraid to get involved and help out friends, family or coworkers who are living under these conditions because they are afraid to embarrass or upset them further, or even get hurt themselves. The reality is that women and children involved in domestic abuse are usually scared for their own safety. They go along with it because they don’t want to instigate more aggression from their partner, or they believe that it’s actually their fault, or they are financially strapped and don’t feel like they have a strong enough support network to get them away and through this situation safely. The reality is that it’s not a simple task to pick up and leave when there are children, pets and security to consider.

As friends or loved ones, there are things we can do to help! Some of them include:

1. Don’t judge.

2. Start the conversation and provide a safe, honest environment for her to open up.

3. Don’t criticize her for staying in the situation, but offer concrete, realistic ideas to help her get out.

4. Encourage her to seek assistance from a local domestic violence agency.

5. Focus on her strengths to help build her self-esteem.

6. Reassure her that it’s not her fault!

7. Reassure her that you are available for support.

8. If you witness an assault, don’t overlook it. Call the police!

In order for domestic abuse deaths to decrease, we must do more to recognize the signs, educate ourselves and turn in offenders to law enforcement. The legal ramifications for the offender differ from state to state, but in general the court will at least temporarily restrain the person accused from being around family members. If the court determines there is adequate proof, they will most likely assign a permanent restraining order, issue monetary fines, require the completion of a 52 week batterer’s treatment program and even assign some prison time. In extreme cases, individuals can lose their immigration status, lose the right to possess a firearm, lose the right to collect spousal support, lose the right to child custody or visitation and lose the right to work in certain fields like childcare, education or to sell real estate. If you know someone who is hurting, you might be the one to help save a life. Reach out today.

What To Look For In Children Affected By Domestic Violence

Domestic abuse is a behavior that affects every member of the household. It creates an environment in which kids live in stress and fear. Similar to children who go through the divorce of their parents, they often wonder if it’s something they are doing to cause the anger. Children in these households often try to be the mediator in order to please, but when that doesn’t work because of the uncontrolled violence, they hide in fear. In fact, domestic violence is the number one reason that children in the U.S. run away from home.

Statistics show that between 3 and 4 million children are witnesses to domestic violence in the U.S. each year. 95% of these situations involve women abused by their male boyfriends or husbands. These mothers generally stay in the environment because they are either too scared of the repercussions if they try to leave, feel like they have no place to turn, they are ashamed to bring the issue to the forefront or they just can’t afford to. Instead of trying to get help, many times they cover up for their husband’s behavior by making up excuses for bruises, or for strange stalkerish or isolating behaviors. In one survey of of 6,000 families, 50% of the men who abused their wives also abused their kids. And, it’s also important to realize that this isn’t only happening in poor or uneducated families, but is also found in upscale, wealthy, highly educated families. Unfortunately children who are exposed to this type of upbringing are highly likely to experience a number of difficulties in both the short and long terms.

In the short-term, the children might exhibit:

  • Aggressive or bullying behavior
  • Anxiety and depression
  • Disobedience
  • Acting out or isolating themselves
  • Nightmares and bedwetting
  • Low self-esteem
  • Difficulties in school due to poor problem solving and judgment skills and shorter attention spans
  • Juvenile delinquency
  • Lack of trust towards adults
  • Bruises or broken bones from trying to protect a parent or sibling

Other physical signs that a child might be abused or observing abuse is if they complain of insomnia or exhaustion, headaches, stomachaches ongoing diarrhea, or appear to be nervous and highly stressed.

In the long term research shows that males that grow up in homes observing their male caregivers abusing their mothers, are more likely to display this behavior as adults. It’s all they know and think it’s an appropriate way to resolve issues. Women who grow up in these situations are more likely to be victims. Both sexes have higher incidences of alcohol and/or drug abuse, adult criminality, self-abuse and problems in building strong relationships.

There is really no hope for a break in the cycle unless the victims have the support and strength to get out. Or, the abusers are ready to own their behavior and make a change through educational intervention programs and/or psychotherapy. In any case, adults can help children in these situations by alerting authorities and stepping in to provide love, stability and security. If you are a close friend or relative and don’t feel comfortable getting involved, you can also start with an anonymous phone call to the child’s school administration. While you may not be able to stop the abuse in the home, you can provide a safe haven so the child knows he or she can come to you with problems. Giving children in these situations a place to stay when they feel unsafe, or participating in their after-school activities can give them the encouragement and support they so desperately need to improve their self-esteem and hope for a better future.

Alcohol Use Can Contribute To Domestic Violence

The act of domestic violence or battering an intimate partner or loved one is generally thought to be a learned behavior. It is a crime committed in the United States about every 15 seconds with women and children usually being the victims. In fact, according to the Bureau of Justice Statistics, women account for about 85% of the victims of intimate partner abuse. Domestic violence is more common in families in which one of the partners grew up with role models like parents, grandparents, family and friends who used the behavior as a form of control. Specifically, these are individuals who were raised in a physically and emotionally aggressive home and witnessed violence as an acceptable way for their parent to handle anger and frustration. Men who batter their spouses often exhibit traits like jealousy, possessiveness, and a lack of respect towards women.

One of the main problems as a perpetrator of domestic violence is that the batterer usually isn’t able to see how destructive he is being. He may think that this is how a normal family behaves, or if he does feel guilt, he blames the victim’s actions for causing his behavior. For example, a perpetrator might interpret his wife having a conversation with another man during a holiday party as her being flirtatious which in turn deserves serious repercussions as a form of punishment. It is a cycle that is difficult to break until the batterer is able to recognize his own actions and willing to learn to modify the behavior.

As we approach the holiday season, it’s important to be aware that while drinking alcohol doesn’t cause domestic violence, it is a contributing factor to the increase we see in this behavior from Thanksgiving to New Years. A study recently released from the Prevention Research Center in California and Arizona State University shows that men drinking at parties and bars away from home were linked to an increased rate of male-to-female partner violence. This is a time of year where we all tend to go to more parties where alcohol is served, and we tend to spend more time indoors. This can be a recipe for disaster as alcohol use can be linked to domestic violence in a number of ways. First of all, drinking takes away inhibitions and control over behavior. Secondly, if there is a heavy drinker in the family it causes additional stress and frustration, which can result in violence. Thirdly, a perpetrator of domestic violence might use alcohol as a way to relax and forget the shame he actually feels for his behavior. He uses the alcohol as an “excuse” for what happened and therefore overlooks his destructive behavior as being a problem that needs to end.

If you are involved in this type of destructive relationship, get help now. Domestic violence should never be accepted as a normal way of life. There is hope for families as abusers can take anger management and domestic violence classes, or participate in one-to-one therapy to learn new life skills. It’s not a permanent life sentence as long as the abuser is ready to take the appropriate action.

What's The Purpose Of A DV Class?

October is Domestic Violence Awareness month, a time when communities across the nation are making a point to heighten awareness of this very serious issue. Domestic violence is usually a learned behavior that is imbedded in childhood. Research shows that an individual who grows up in a home in which physical and/or verbal abuse was acceptable, is more likely to perpetuate these practices in adulthood. It is a pattern of abusive behavior in an intimate relationship that is used by one person to gain control over the other. Women are more likely than men to experience it, but it can affect both genders, all socio-economic groups, education levels, ages and races. People often picture a poor, uneducated male beating up his wife like we see in the movies, but the highly paid executive who attended the finest schools can also be an offender. The facts are unsettling; everyday in the U.S. more than 3 women are murdered by their husbands or boyfriends.

Individuals don’t “grow out” of the behavior and it doesn’t simply go away after time. The only way to help batterers break the cycle is to teach them how to recognize their behavior, understand how it affects everyone around them, how to calm themselves down and relearn how to respond when things make them angry. Aggressors often think that the victim brought on and even deserved the violence because of something they did like not get the house in order or have dinner on the table. Or, because of the perception that the spouse was flirting with someone else or cares more for another than they do for their own husband. It’s the “you had it coming” mentality. The first step is that the perpetrator needs to take complete responsibility over his own actions instead of putting the blame on someone or something else. The point is that when they get angry, they have control to not respond in a destructive manner.

People who recognize themselves as perpetrators in abusive relationships can learn how to change their behavior by taking a domestic violence class. Programs teach participants to take a look at how they are creating the negative situation by emphasizing that the only power you really have is over yourself. Classes teach how to analyze trigger points and how to manage the initial reaction by taking a moment or moments to calm down. It’s critical to acknowledge that the initial reaction is not usually the best, so learning stress management techniques helps to quell that first sense of outrage. Another important tool is how to be empathetic of the feelings of the intimate partner by strengthening the ability to perceive and interpret their emotions. Improving emotional intelligence will create a major shift in the relationship and will reap benefits in the workplace and socially as well. Participants also learn how to more clearly and effectively communicate their feelings in a non-aggressive and respectful way.

Online domestic violence classes like those provided by the AJ Novick Group, Inc., can be taken from any Internet connected Ipad, Tablet, Smartphone, PC, or laptop in the country. Students simply enroll in the class length they are interested in and can get going at any time of the day or night. The beauty of an online dv program is that you don’t need to wait for a weekly in-person class, or until regular workweek business hours, but can enroll at 5 in the morning if they want to. A high quality program designed for court approval will provide the same information as an in-person program, and with a proof of enrollment form, progress reports, and a Certificate of Completion. The goal is to develop the critical skills necessary to change your life around, while in the convenient and relaxed environment of your own home.

Batter's Intervention Programs Teach Individuals How To Change Abusive Behavior

The act of domestic abuse is generally defined as a pattern of coercive, controlling and aggressive behavior that can include physical or sexual violence, verbal and psychological attacks, stalking, isolation and/or economic coercion. The offender is an adolescent or adult of either sex and of any nationality or race that uses these tactics against a girlfriend or boyfriend, spouse or even an elderly parent. It is a negative behavior found in all socio-economic classes so the wealthy and educated are just as likely to be involved with it as a poor, underachieving family. It isn’t something that happens just once out of anger, but instead is usually a continuous pattern of behavior to instill fear and dominance over the intimate partner to get them to behave the way the perpetrator wants.

It is a myth that the victim has somehow provoked the abuser to display this behavior, or that it’s the victim’s fault. Instead, it’s a behavior that the perpetrator may have learned from the adults and society around him/her while growing up. For example, it was considered acceptable behavior in the household they grew up in, or they were exposed to a culture of violence within their peer groups, community or school.

Perpetrators usually utilize one or some of the following tactics:

1. They have different public and private personalities. This makes it difficult to always spot. You might think that the fun, seemingly laid-back and community oriented executive down the street is a great guy. However, behind closed doors he might actually be coercive and controlling.

2. Abusers often make the victim feel like it wouldn’t happen if they would stop acting in a particular way. They put blame on the intimate partner for their own violent or regulating actions. They explain that it wouldn’t happen if their partner didn’t make them act that way.

3. Denial. Abusers act out and are sometimes actually remorseful afterwards. To be able to continue on, they minimize, deny or justify their behavior. This leaves the victim wondering if they are making too big a deal about it, or questioning themselves.

4. They extend too much control and power over the other person’s life. This can include monitoring email and phone calls, following the person, isolating them from friends and family and restricting finances so the victim can’t get access to funds.

With one in four women involved in some sort of domestic violence in their lifetime, it isn’t looked upon lightly in the United States anymore. It is a recognized social issue, which is punishable by law. In many states, all it takes is one phone call to have the perpetrator taken into custody and prosecuted. In fact, in many jurisdictions, once the police arrive to break up the dispute, the victim can’t back down, explain it was a mistake and ask them to go away. The officers must follow-through and take the offender in custody.

Courts across the country understand that perpetrators need support and intervention to help them break the cycle of abusive behavior. Batterer’s Intervention Programs are commonly mandated so that the offender has an opportunity to learn new skills to end the abuse. These court mandated classes are available to take online with prior approval from your judge. Help yourself change your attitude and lifestyle by learning the same material you would find in a traditional classroom, but in the relaxed comfort of your own home. Look into a high quality and educational online domestic violence course today!

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