The holidays are supposed to be a time of joy, tradition, family and visiting with loved ones but for those in unhealthy relationships, it can be a particularly stressful time of year. Domestic violence is more likely to occur between Thanksgiving and New Years than other times of year. Expectations are high which puts more financial and emotional stress on everyone. People are often thrown together in close quarters and old issues and jealousies can feel threatening to the perpetrator causing him or her to act out with more intensity. And, during the holidays there’s often alcohol involved which only adds fuel to the fire.
This past week we received a phone call from a client. She initially called for her friend who was court ordered to take a domestic violence class and wanted to find out how the online program worked. After speaking with her for a while, she opened up that she was also in an unhealthy relationship and while her boyfriend wasn’t court mandated, she was hoping that he might take the class as well. She revealed that he’d become increasingly more and more obsessive about what her schedule was each day, was trying to sabotage the trip she had planned for the two of them to go visit family over Thanksgiving and was constantly putting her down in front of their friends. She was humiliated about the abuse but afraid to break up with him right now because she didn’t want to ruin the holidays for him.
We talked at length about how it’s possible for a perpetrator of domestic violence to change his ways with the help of some type of educational support. The hard part is that he needs to be ready to acknowledge and take responsibility for his behavior. There are multiple ways to learn to break the cycle, including traditional rehabilitation programs, 1/1 therapy, or by taking a class online. In many cases, individuals who commit domestic violence were abused or witnessed abuse between family members when they were growing up. They just don’t know anything different. In each type of these settings, the perpetrator of the abuse will learn what triggers the behavior by reflecting on past experiences, empathy, and how to build self-control utilizing anger and stress management skills.
The goal of domestic violence or batterer’s intervention classes is to teach offenders how to break the cycle. The program is considered successful if the abusive partner stops denying or blaming other people for his behavior. He now can understand the effects of his abuse on you and the entire family. He respects your right to privacy and stops stalking you, controlling where you go and who you are with, stops reading your mail and emails and gives you the freedom you deserve. The conversation between the two of you will become more open, honest and positive. And, of course, any physical abuse will stop.
The problem stems from the fact that the abuser feels powerless and this is his or her way of gaining control. During the holidays this can be accentuated by other domineering family members, embarrassment over financial situations, child custody disputes and drinking. If possible, this is a good time of year to get yourself or a loved one involved in a program that helps build the coping skills they need to avoid turning to physical or emotional abuse.
