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Talk To Your Teen About Their Unsafe or Unhealthy Dating Relationship

Domestic violence doesn’t just occur between married couples. It’s the behavior in an intimate relationship when there is a pattern of one partner using power to control another. Sadly, statistics show that about 1/3 of American women will experience this abuse during their lifetime in either a dating or marriage situation. Anyone can experience an unhealthy relationship, regardless of age, gender, economic status or ethnicity. However, girls between the ages of 16-24 tend to experience the highest rates of intimate partner violence. You can recognize if you are the perpetrator of dating violence or a victim of it, if you have committed or been on the receiving end of behavior like:

  • Physical violence: hitting, slapping, kicking, shaking, choking or throwing
  • Sexual violence: forced sexual activity, pressure to have sex, or verbal threats of violence if you don’t do what he/she wants
  • Emotional abuse: intimidation, humiliation, spreading rumors, name calling or bullying, jealousy, possessiveness, false accusations, stalking, monitoring email and/or texts and isolation

People who abuse their girlfriends or boyfriends generally due so because they believe that they are right and know what’s best. The person might want to look “popular” by showing off how he/she controls the relationship. Abusive behavior usually begins between the ages of 12 – 18 and is often either learned by role models at home, from friends or from the culture around them. Many abusers don’t see that they are doing anything wrong, until it is too late.

Teens who end up in abusive relationships explain that they never realized that this could happen to them, didn’t understand what to expect from a healthy relationship or didn’t know how to get out of the situation. Of course, the relationship didn’t begin with intimidation, but with love and affection. They just didn’t see the change coming. It’s therefore important to educate our kids before they start dating about what to look for in a sound and safe partnership. Some basics include:

  • You are open and honest with each other
  • Your boyfriend/girlfriend respects who you are and isn’t trying to change you
  • Your partner gives you the freedom you need and expect
  • You and your partner are supportive and encourage each other to reach your goals

The abused partner should never feel like he/she has to stay in the relationship. If scared or unhappy, or feeling trapped, seek help. If your intimate partner doesn’t treat you well now, it’s not going to get better and can escalate to physical violence. For those looking to get out of an unsafe relationship, start with avoiding isolation. Develop your support network and talk to others so you have somewhere to turn. Focus on taking care of yourself whether this means finishing up school or getting a better job so you can support yourself. Find a safe place to live once you have committed to the break up. If you are still living at home, tell your parents about any fear of reprisal you might have. Most importantly, contact the authorities if you seriously fear for your safety.

Indicators of Economic Abuse

When we think of domestic violence, physical abuse generally comes to mind. The offender is looking for control and dominates the victim by hitting, punching, slapping or throwing them around. It’s a serious national problem, and in Minnesota in 2013 alone, 37 people were killed in domestic violence related homicides. In most situations in which there is domestic abuse, the intimate partner is too afraid to tell anyone because of the repercussions they will endure from the abuser. An example of this can be seen in one of these particular cases, the victim had finally gotten the strength to move out and was shot and killed by her boyfriend while the moving van was in front of her home. One of the most reliable indicators that someone is in serious risk of being harmed is if the abuser has threatened them. The truth is that about 30% of women murdered in the country, are killed by intimate partners. If you have a friend, or notice a co-worker who has been missing a lot of work or shows up with injuries, you can save a life by not overlooking the severity of the issue. The individual might be reluctant to talk, but let them know you are available for any support they might need.

Another type of domestic abuse that is a bit subtler is economic abuse. In some situations, you may not be able to see signs of violence on the person’s body but they are being emotionally abused by a spouse or intimate partner in the form of economic restraints. This includes controlling all the money, keeping the victim from gaining access to funds when necessary, not allowing the victim to get a job or become financially self-sufficient, or identity theft.

Economic abuse can have lifelong consequences. The situation can prevent a victim from getting the proper education they need to get a job. The individual lacks the resources to learn how to handle money and can become susceptible to scams out of desperation for financial aid. In some situations, the victim takes out credit cards and incurs debt therefore damaging their credit and making them unable to get out of the abusive relationship.

Some indicators that someone is being economically abused are:

  • An individual who has to depend 100% on his/her intimate partner for financial assistance.
  • An individual who isn’t allowed to get a job or go to school.
  • An individual who has justify every dime spent and is punished for response.
  • An individual who is forbidden to have his or her own bank account.
  • An individual who is constantly harassed by the abuser with frequent phone calls or unexpected visits at the workplace, which might hinder their job performance.
  • An individual who has good credit that is damaged by an intimate partner’s misuse of funds.

The bottom line is that emotional and economic abuse is just as serious as being physically injured. If the survivor is left afraid, insecure and lacking self-esteem, it’s time to get out of the relationship. If you know someone or see yourself in one of these scenarios, seek help now.

Improving Empathy Skills Help DV Offenders Stop Violent Behavior

Over the past 30 years, the significant problem of domestic abuse has slowly come out of the closet in the U.S. and has emerged as one of our most serious social problems. Women’s advocate groups, mental health professionals and government officials have responded by implementing dv offender laws and by developing batterers intervention programs. The results of years of research shows that jail time is just not enough. Offenders must learn how to change their ways through informative and educational treatment programs.

Most perpetrators of domestic violence are people who grew up with role models that displayed this behavior. They often avoid taking responsibility or ignore their actions by minimizing it. They consider their actions like verbal abuse, or disallowing contact with friends and family, or checking their partner’s email or voice mail messages or physical punishment as not that serious or frequent to worry about. “It only happens every few months, not a big deal.” Another tactic is to completely deny it ever happened which leads the victim to begin to think that she is actually the crazy one. “You must have given yourself a black eye when you tripped. I didn’t touch you!” Or if the offender can manage to admit to the behavior, they blame it on their partner. “She lied to me once, so now I have to listen to all her phone messages to make sure she’s telling me the truth.” This controlling behavior slowly breaks down the self-confidence of the victim and leaves them co-dependent, stressed and anxious.

A common denominator in all domestic violence situations is a lack of empathy in the offender. We have seen it throughout our history from slave owners, to the Nazi party, to todays playground and cyber bullies. These people are generally not able to feel the impact that their actions are having on others. The just don’t realize or understand how they are inflicting pain. When levels of empathy increase, individuals are less likely to get involved in bullying and aggressive situations.

BIP or domestic violence classes work towards improving the offender’s self-awareness and to learn the skills necessary to experience things from another person’s point of view, or empathy. The first step is to get the abuser to acknowledge his abusive behavior. Once he has accepted the need to change, classes teach how to recognize what triggers his anger towards his partner and techniques to redirect or stop the build-up of hostility. Offenders learn that domestic violence includes more than just physical contact, but emotional as well and new skills in stress management, empathy, listening and communication are taught to help control aggressive behavior.

The goal of sending dv offenders to a class is to break the cycle so that even if they can’t stay with their current intimate partners, this lifestyle will not continue to perpetuate in future relationships. In some situations, taking a class can also help to clear their public record for future employment opportunities. Following through on a dv education class can be a learning experience that changes lives in a positive direction forever.

Is Your Friend Or Family Member Being Abused?

Discussions about domestic violence are never easy. The truth is that as a friend, family member or co-worker, you are the one’s who will notice first if something is amiss with someone you are in close contact with. Most often, victims are afraid to seek support because of the repercussions they might endure as a result of outing the offender, or embarrassment. While you might hesitate to bring it up because you feel like it’s not your business or a huge responsibility, keep in mind that you could be saving a life!

There are many different types of domestic abuse. The obvious one most easily observed is the physical ramification of violent behavior like bruising, black eyes, broken bones and scars. However, there are more subtle signs that you might pick up on if the person is being mentally or financially controlled.

The general warnings that something is not right and it’s possibly a domestic abuse situation are:

1. Frequent injuries and unexpectedly missing work.

2. The individual can’t participate in social functions because they are restricted or isolated by the abuser.

3. When they are with the abuser they seem afraid or overly anxious to please him.

4. They have lost their voice in the relationship and go along with whatever the partner dictates.

5. They receive frequent phone calls, text messages or emails throughout the day that are checking up on them. The individual is rattled or nervous about it.

6. They express that they don’t have access to funds.

7. They become withdrawn, depressed, and anxious or lose confidence in themselves (especially if they used to have strong self-esteem).

If you suspect there is a problem, don’t wait for the person to open up about it. Go to the individual in private and express your concerns about her safety without placing any blame on the victim. Offer to help and support her decisions without judging her. It will most likely take broaching the subject a few times before she opens up.

On the flip side, you may be close with someone you feel has abusive tendencies. You notice that your brother is constantly putting down his wife in front of you or he won’t ever let her join a night out without him. This same expression of your concern and offer of support can help save a relationship and/or life. It’s not easy for an abuser to stop the behavior and they may not even realize how intense it’s become. He’s fallen into a pattern of behavior that is comfortable to him, but not those around him and needs a reality check. The light at the end of the tunnel is that with a serious commitment to make change, an offender can learn how to create healthier relationships. It requires time and the choice to learn new skills to change the controlling and manipulative behavior that they most likely learned from role models in their youth. Domestic violence treatment programs are available to attend either in-person or take at home online. The goal is to teach abusers how to break the cycle of their negative actions by learning empathy, effective communication and listening skills, alternate ways to cope with their anger and how to deal with stress.

Don’t ignore the signs of an abusive relationship. You could be the one to save a life!

Keep A Watchful Eye On Your Teen's Intimate Relationships

It’s a topic that we don’t like to consider, but as our adolescents turn into teenagers, they will most likely start dating and get involved in intimate relationships. Parents and caregivers are often unaware that unsafe relationships can start as early as the teen years! Just like adults, teens can also get involved in unhealthy relationships that involve physical or emotional violence as well as stalking. According to the CDC’s 2011 Youth Risk Behavior Survey about 9.4% of high school students reported being slapped, hit or physically hurt by a boyfriend or girlfriend in the prior year. Many times teenagers will go along with the behavior because they are needy for attention (any kind), want to fit in with their friends who are also in relationships, it’s their first relationship and they don’t know any different, or they are scared to try to get out of it. In many cases, they will be reluctant to tell their parents because they don’t want to get in trouble or get their boyfriend/girlfriend in trouble.

It’s important that we watch closely for the telltale signs of an abusive relationship and talk to our kids about it so they are aware as well. Some of these patterns include:

1. He/she is overly possessive. They try to isolate you from friends and have you all to themselves.

2. He/she constantly belittles or puts you down. This creates a relationship in which one member is dominant and the other loses self-esteem. For example, he tells you that no one else would possibly go out with you.

3. He/she physically pushes, shoves, or assaults you in any way. This includes sexual harassment.

4. He/she is extremely jealous about you talking to any other boys or girls. You feel guilty hanging out or talking with anyone of the opposite sex.

5. He/she checks your phone, social media sites or email without your permission or is constantly texting and calling you when you aren’t together and finds out your schedule so he can show up where you are planning on going.

6. He/she has extreme mood swings. One minute he is sweet but the next he can turn extremely angry over the smallest thing.

It can be difficult for parents to get involved because you don’t want to be overprotective or embarrassing to your child. Or, you might even notice that it’s your child exhibiting abusive behavior. However, passively watching the situation could very well lead to danger. Parents should get the authorities involved if there are signs of serious imminent danger. In the meantime, some tips for parents to begin the conversation with your teenager include:

1. Maintain a non-judgmental attitude and stay calm.

2. Listen closely to what they say and acknowledge their feelings

3. Talk about what a healthy relationship looks like and how the relationship they are in compares.

4. Help them find solutions for getting out of the relationship gracefully so it doesn’t cause more embarrassment or unintended grief.

5. Assure your child that they haven’t done anything wrong and are not to blame. Let them know you are there to help them to safety.

A healthy relationship is one in which your teenager can express his/her feelings without feeling afraid or embarrassed. It should be a mutually supportive experience so that each person can reach his/her own goals, have his/her own opinions and have their own friends without any mistrust. Most of all, your young adult should feel safe and loved. When this ends, so should the relationship.

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